A lot.

(Long ass entry #45974597-R. You've been warned. But it does contain info about the future of Everafter and 'leaving' Deviantart, if you were curious.)

For what seems like some years now, I've been heading down a path with blind ambition.
I wanted to be a professional artist. I gave up my original college, decided to bite the bullet and go with passion over.. well.. logic. Haha. I went to an art college in Philly, met some friends I've kept to this day, and learned a lot I wouldn't have anywhere else. I don't regret it. A real great learning experience.
Learned how competitive the market was, how serious I needed to be about where I was going to take this. I saw what I was up against (even in my courses alone, forget the rest of the world, heh..) and I realized where I stood wasn't nearly as sure-footed as I had thought.
My work from 2003 and everything prior, from a technical standpoint, is beyond embarrassing. (Which is why I've staved off doing that 'Quest for Improvement' picture a lot of other folks are participating in, but I think I might anyway. Suck it up. Heh.)
Since then I made it my mission to improve at everything I thought was faulty. Which. Came to be.. just about everything. Haha. Color in particular.
Ventured into the world of Photoshop. Made some truly awful color pieces composed of simple flats burned and dodged into plastic skin and clothing. -shudder- Ugh. But I learned a lot from the cream of the crop here on DA.
Briefly wondered if color wasn't my strong point, and if I should stick with my trusty old blacks and whites. (Following in the tradition of my hero, Samura.. who when questioned on the subject of color, simply said he'd never thought once of applying color to his pieces, and preferred to keep it B/W.. ) But the market, being what it is, kind of demands you be good at just about everything under the sun.. unless you're so good at one particular thing, you can base the foundation of your career off that. I'm not nearly so specialized.

In this process.. I believe I forgot why I draw.
I've been making work for the past year or two with the sole purpose of what others will think of it. What companies will say, if I'll ever find work in the illustration business.. and what would people online think of it.
Yeah I'm talking about you guys. Haha. Much love.
And yes. Any illustrator in the business should consider their audience, their 'marketability' (word..? not a word..? you decide..), and somesuch.. unless you're just a natural phenom. (Like some folks here on DA I won't mention..) And yes, you have to find that balance between doing work for yourself and doing it as a business.. ideally you're able to blend the two together perfectly, create something solely out of your own enjoyment, your way, and still have people eat it up like hungry dogs. (-cough-Bryan Lee O'Malley.-cough-)

But I really, really lost touch with myself, I think.
At first I was pushed forward by praise, my creativity was lit ABLAZE when people responded favorably to my work, wanted to hear more about my stories..
And steadily, it became more and more about numbers than it did about 'why'. I sat down to draw thinking 'what will people like to see the most', and scrapped ideas I'd probably have sat down to do myself for my own enjoyment..

It's embarrassing to admit this.

That I could become so driven by such a stupid 'popularity contest' syndrome. It's hard to avoid, I think. To some extent, it's there, in the back of your mind.
And believe me when you say, it doesn't matter how high you ascend. It's never enough in your mind. Nothing ever just 'clicks' when you can sit back and say 'Yeah. I'm an artist.'.

I've had a rough time regarding the responses to my work here on DA. Because I feel a lot of the attention isn't due. Not when I see artists like Arnis, Gunner, Tracy, Wen, Noah, 75% of the people on my devwatch list.. people who are phenoms.
I sit back and wonder if I'm not the kind of artist other artists look at and say 'Pff. Look. This guy gets 700k hits, 10k watchers.. and look at his gallery. Anime shit.' Etc etc, somesuch. I've heard it before. (Regarding other artists here on DA who have millions of hits and.. well. Questionable galleries.) Popular general consensus being, if you can draw stuff that is dark/cute with an amount of talent, you can gain yourself hundreds of fans without batting an eye.


But anyway. This isn't a pity trip. I hate text sometimes, it can make things sound so dour without the inflexion a voice can bring. Moving on..

It's destructive. Not allowing yourself to just draw for the sake of drawing. It's.. stripping yourself of truly injecting any soul in your work. It also hinders your progress, I'll tell you that. You never discover things on your own, what works for YOU.. as opposed to just learning techniques that work for everyone. It doesn't set you apart from the crowd to keep moving upwards. A friend of mine here on DA told me that there were always tiers and tiers of artists above you, and part of being an artist was always acknowledging this. But I'd like to think that being an artist isn't about ascending. It's about finding your niche and expanding outward instead of upward.
I don't know.

I really don't know, haha.. god it's all so confusing sometimes. Are you still reading..? If you are, you'd probably make a good conversation-over-tea buddy. You like tea?

I like vanilla caramel.


Mm..

I need to wean myself off of Deviantart.

I think that's what this boils down to.

At least until I can figure out where I've come from and why. Until I can fill another ten sketchbooks with work that is meant for my eyes, until I'm finally happy with what I can make WITHOUT having to acknowledge it through the opinions of others.

I leafed through a ton of my old sketchbooks the other day. And I laughed a lot. For two reasons. Some of the pages were full of truly awful awkward anime poses and faces, god awful stereotypical dialogue and comic excerpts, skin-peelingly terrible looking profile shots, good lord..

..that, and some of the other stuff was inspiring. Ideas I never should have let out of my head as I kept chugging away with new things.

The stuff I did for me and me alone, for the sheer sake of creating and telling a story that would make me smile to re-read.

I've decided to undertake a personal project as a result of this. I want to make a new portfolio of concepts, based on various storylines from my past (and some from the present). The long term aim may be to have an impressive portfolio of character design imagery, and perhaps delving into layouts and environments, something I sorely need to tackle.. but for the most part, it has to be for me. I'm not going to think about it as a waste of time if I never end up showing it to anyone. God. To have gotten so out of touch with myself to think that drawing could be a waste of time..

And yes.. keep up with Everafter in the process, in case anyone was wondering.

Although concerning Everafter, there may be periodic hiatus' on the horizon. Telling you this now so it doesn't come as a shock later on. If I could concentrate all on getting that story out to you guys as fast as possible I would, believe me. In fact I really wish that were the way life was stacked up right now. But I have to have priorities. And Everafter is still just a personal project.

I know this is gonna make people quite fed up with me. All I can say to that is.. well. You don't have to read it. I don't mean to sound stuffy or whatnot. But you really don't.. so don't blow a gasket or something. You are under no obligation to have to wait patiently if you don't think it's worth it. There are tons of other fantastic webcomics to read with responsible, talented artists behind them. (I think.) Be angry, be completely fed up, be pissy or whatever. You're entitled! It's cool. Heh. (Just ease up on the e-mails, eh?)
Some of the forum-goers over at Snafu are truly ah, remarkable in a sense. The sheer amount of over-analyzation some folks invest is a scary thing.. I think it will destroy people's enjoyment of the overall story if it keeps up, which is saddening. But. I push on regardless, 'cause there's so many of you that don't care when it's updated and how every single panel looks, how many people constitute as 'backup', how a skinny little girl can wield a five foot long saw..

You care about the overall idea, the scope, the concepts and the characters.. and the art. Arrgh. THANK YOU. Hahah..


You guys, I love you to death, but you know this. I try to tell you whenever I get the chance.


Anyway..

I've said what I had to say. In the typical, overly wordy way.


But yeah. Ahh.. hm. I'll be around, here and there. I will be opening commissions again soon actually. As for new deviations.. those are probably going to stop.

We'll have to see what happens, I guess. But until I work steadily on my art without relying on others seeing it and approving, until I can be satisfied with the job I've done on my own accord, I don't think I can show it to others without letting it influence me too much in the long run.

I'm hoping that by the time I straighten myself out, I'll have my own website, and make that my new home. Dave (Mr. =scrotumnose is designing his own portfolio website right now and it looks fantastic. So I may be threatening his life until he helps me put mine together.)

I know I've done the 'going on hiatus' thing before and it's never lasted particularly long. Who knows. Maybe I'll get my groove back, so to speak, sooner than later and figure out that being here isn't going to harm my creative wellbeing. (Let me reiterate, by no fault of you guys. Love.)

I don't do this periodically to get a volley of 'We'll miss you's', please don't feel obligated to say so. By nature I'm not the type of guy who likes to be noticed in a crowd, and would much prefer to just quietly step out than with a big hullabaloo. If you think I'm getting all bent out of shape for nothing.. well, maybe it's just what I need to do right now. I'm not writhing in pain over my work or anything, believe me. I don't need a pep talk, a slap in the face or advice, but I appreciate the sentiment. I just need to take some time to improve myself in my own eyes.



But yeah. Until then, eh? I'll either be seeing you in a commission information sheet I'll be leaving up here in my stead, or on my (eventual) new site.


Take care of yourselves.

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New pages of Everafter at: [link] Come visit.